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Sid and Alexia in their new apartment…
I would like to talk about loneliness today, and maybe in the coming days.
I have been experiencing it for about a year now and I have grown accustomed to it by now. One thing that strikes me most is, that loneliness has many faces. You can feel alone, when in fact you’re not. I used to be in a long relationship a few years ago, and I remember feeling terribly lonely, yet I had a wonderful girlfriend, a good relationship, we lived together in a beautiful house with a big garden, she had a lovely daughter, we had many interesting friends, and everything looked fantastic. But, I felt lonely. And she did, too. So - ultimately, we separated. It was sad to lose her, we both were terribly sad, because we had known each other for decades, but it had to be done.
In retrospect it might have been a mistake, but back then it was a relief. Because there’s nothing more depressing than feeling lonely in a relationship. So to you out there that might be afraid of moving on because you are afraid of being alone - I can only say to you: move on. I have been totally alone for almost a year, but I prefer that to being in a relationship where I feel alone, because this way I can find out who I am, even if it is painful, and even if I long for another soul to be with and to share things with. I believe this period in my life is a precious one and I will hopefully grow to be a more mature person - and with better understanding of what it means to have a relationship. And why I want to have one in the first place.
Men are always scared of commitment. They want to have all options, want to be with someone, yet then again want to be single. But not alone. They want to have the best of both worlds. Well, that’s not how the cookie crumbles (and that comes from someone who really likes cookies). Commitment is the key. Say yes. Stick to it. Forget the other options. And you’ll be rewarded tenfold. If you don’t, you’ll feel alone with whom ever you might be at the moment. You’ll just never be with that person 100% - and you and the other person will feel alone. Maybe not in the first 2 to 3 years, but eventually loneliness will kick in. That’s when you both will start to have an affair, and things will get messier and messier, and you’ll feel lonely, and more lonely…
And if you are scared of being alone: never forget that ultimately you will be alone. When you die, you die alone, even if someone might be holding your hand. You will go by yourself. So there’s no way around but to face ultimate loneliness, and you might as well get used to it while you’re alive.
OK, enough of that, I’ll write some more tomorrow.
Today my friends Sid and Alexia moved into their new apartment below mine. I went down and we shared a bottle of Champagne. I am glad they moved in, they’re really nice people. We spent a great evening together and made plans for new years eve, which we will spend together. I had so much fun tonight! It was hilarious.
Just came up to my place and I feel terrific. 100% happy. One of those moments when I know what it means to be alive…
Later: I still love her.
